Have you ever taken the time to complete an attachment inventory of the people and things in your life? Most people can recognize when they feel drained, frustrated or like they have nothing left to give. The problem is that when they recognize it, they are already completely depleted. What if instead of waiting until you hit rock bottom, you learn how to manage the people and things that give energy and the ones that take it away?
If you are someone who has read my previous articles, you have heard me talk about coaching from a deep health perspective. One of the components of deep health is relationships. I love using the analogy of a marble jar. Imagine you have a jar with only a certain number of marbles in it. These marbles represent your mental and emotional capacity. There are people, places, activities, that give us marbles in our jar. When we are around these people or doing these things, we feel energized creative, positive, and are given a safe place where we can be our most authentic selves.
Just like there are people and activities that give marbles in our jar, there are also people who take them away. These relationships can feel complicated, risky, insecure and can leave us feeling drained. The holiday season is a time full of parties, friends, and added stress. People tend to pack more into their schedule during the holiday season, more than any other time of the year. If we aren’t careful, we can end up with a marble jar that is constantly empty. Before you get to that point, or if you are already there, do an attachment inventory to help balance out your marble jar.
Make a list of the people in your life., include animals as well as yourself. For each relationship, consider how strong, safe, secure, or supportive the attachment or connection is.
Strong: The bond is robust and nearly unbreakable. This relationship has “life” and vitality. You’re connected.
Safe: You feel validated, seen, and accepted. You can be messy, real, and vulnerable, and won’t be criticized, judged, or rejected.
Secure: You trust this relationship. It’ll be there for you no matter what.
Supportive: The other person genuinely cares about your goals and values, and wants to help you succeed
Next ask yourself
Who gives you energy when you interact with them? Who drains it?
Which relationships feel the most connected and close? What gives you that feeling?
Which relationships feel more complicated, risky, stale, or insecure? What gives you that feeling?
Who helps you move towards being the person you want to be? How exactly do they do that?
Give Back Wisely
On the weeks your marble jar is low avoid taking phone calls or seeing people who take from your jar. Be around people and do things that help you gain energy and give joy. Remember you can’t take care of people when you aren’t taken care of yourself. When you prioritize what you truly value this allows you to show up as your best self and in the end the people and activities you chose to spend your time on will get the best of you.